If last week’s trip to the pantomime took me back to my first childhood, this one certainly appeals to my second. The jokes were far more risqué, with lots of double entendres but even more single entendres! The age guidance is 4+ although there is advice for those who are bringing younger tots, due to the loud bangs and other surprises. A large part of the banter is definitely adults only, but presented in a way that the jokes sail far over the younger children’s heads. I can imagine a bit of embarrassment for parents and offspring once they get to the border of adolescence. The former, whose kids are on the innocent side, being asked awkward questions about why everyone is laughing and the latter trying to suppress a giggle at something they think they might get into trouble for knowing about.
Jack, Harry F Brown looking very proud of his impressive Beanstalk. Size isn’t everything, Jack.
To the plot – plot? As I explained before, the story in a pantomime is just a lorry on which to load a few containers full of set pieces and, although not the conventional version, this follows that format. Jack, the son of impoverished farm owner, Dame Dolly Durdan, plans to marry Jill, the daughter of Squire Snuffbox. He refuses as Dame Dolly can’t pay her rent and is on the verge of bankruptcy. In addition, the evil Giant’s henchman, Fleshcreep, arrives and threatens to kidnap Jill and feed her to his master, although he will settle for a bag of gold in lieu. In desperation Dame Dolly sends Jack to town with their last assets, Bessie the cow, to sell for a bag of gold at the market. En route, Jack and Bessie stop for a rest and are approached by an old woman who persuades jack to part with Bessie for a bag of five magic beans. When planted they will produce a tree which will yield a crop of gold. Jack agrees and returns home to break the good news to Dame Dolly. She is obviously incensed and throws the beans onto the dungheap. She has another son, Billy Nomates, who, in order to protect them from the ogre, has invented a Giant Basher, which is a boobytrapped box containing a boxing glove on a spring, hardly the nuclear option. Dame Dolly banishes Simon from the home, telling him he must leave in the morning and never return. As luck would have it the magical Fairy Aubergine appears – well reappears actually, as she has done the introduction – and casts a spell on the beans which, overnight, sprout a huge beanstalk. When the family awakes at dawn they see the beanstalk. Fairy Aubergine assures them that at the top they will find all the gold they need. The only slight snag is that the Giant lives at the top of the beanstalk in his castle and only he and Fleshcreep know where the gold is hidden. Look, I am only writing this, I have no idea how an old castle, fully furnished with torture chamber, comes to be at the top of a beanstalk which only grew the night before.
Kenny Davies ad Fleshcreep – Booooooooooo
After a break for an ice cream, the action continued with Jack’s perilous journey up the beanstalk. On arrival at the Castle, he hears loud footsteps and the place shakes. Fearing it is the Giant, Jack cowers but it turns out to be Jemima, the Giant’s exasperated wife, who takes pity on him and tells him how to get the gold. She disguises him as a member of the Castle’s house band Giant Blunderbore’s Backing Band. The Giant appears along with Fleshcreep who is delivering the bag of gold he obtained by selling Bessie and hands it over. Jack grabs the sack and makes his escape. He gives the money to his mother who promptly spends it on turning the farm into a Las Vegas style casino. She pays the Baron, with whom she has been having a bit of a fling, until he gave her the elbow when he realised she was skint, and he tries to come on to her again. She realises he is only after her for her money – well, it was never going to be about her sylphlike figure and sophistication – and sends him packing. Now he has the dosh, the Squire reinstates the wedding but Dame Dolly tells him to get lost as she is not having her son marry into ‘minor aristocracy’. Jack comes back and, learning of what his mother has done, vows to put things right.
While all this is going on, Billy is walking through the spooky woods where he sees Jill being approached by Fleshcreep who puts her under a spell and whisks her off to the Giant’s castle, despite the best efforts of Billy. When they arrive at the castle, Fleshcreep takes Jill to the kitchen where he chains her up and goes to get the Giant. Billy rushes back to Dame Dolly’s and they, along with Jack, climb the beanstalk to rescue Jill.
Tim Robert as the Giant. Obviously a messy eater.
Back in the Giant’s kitchen, the rescuers having arrived, and heavy footsteps are heard. They think the Giant is coming, but again it is only Jemma, who introduces them to Josephine, the goose which has been perched at the end of the prep table. It seems that this goose is the one that lays golden eggs, and Jemima, having taken a shine to Billy, gives him one – behave, I haven’t got to the smutty jokes yet. Jemima just happens to have a spare key to Jill’s shackles and sets her free, presenting her with the goose to take home.
Left to Right: Lucy Ireland as Jill, Guy Freeman as Billy Nomates – with Goose, Anna Soden as Fairy Aubergine, Simon Nock as Dame Dolly, Dan Carter-Hope as Squire Snuffbox and Harry F Brown as Jack.
Just then, the Giant arrives and a chase round the kitchen and brawl ensue. Fortunately Billy has brought his Giant Basher which does the trick and they scramble down the beanstalk, pursued by the Giant and Fleshcreep. When Dame Dolly and family get to the bottom, who should appear but Fairy Aubergine, complete with magic axe, which Jack uses to fell the beanstalk, the Giant and Fleshcreep landing in the dungheap and disappearing beneath it.
Jack and Jill finally get married and we were all invited to the wedding do.
Jill, Dame Dolly and Jack at the nuptials.
As you will see from the wedding photograph, the actors were also singers and musicians. You will note that Dame Dolly on saxophone seems to enjoy a good blow – here they come! As an aside, the only members of my family of which I am aware, are two female cousins, neither of whom I see very often, probably to their great relief. One is a saxophonist in a swing band and a splinter group with the greatest strap line ever. Casual Sax – No strings! A certain type of wit must run in the family – noses do. One for the kids there. Back to the show.
Simon Nock as Dame Dolly being wheelie funny.
I missed the last two incarnations of the Rock’n’Roll Panto, I sent in a doctor’s note both times, so I was pleased to discover that it has kept to the format of comedy, pathos, scary stuff, banging tunes, explosions, a dousing from water guns and the singling out of an audience member for special treatment.
After the scene-setting poem from Fairy Aubergine, who must be vegan as she has a leek for a magic wand, the action began. The villain, Fleshcreep, played by Kenny Davies, entered to a rousing welcome of booing. Followed by the cheers for Jack, Harry F Brown, Jill, Lucy Ireland and Dame Dolly, who is always the lynchpin of the piece, played, superbly as ever, by Simon Nock, in a range of outrageous costumes. During her initial banter Dame Dolly informed us that her son was marrying the daughter of Squire Snuffbox so she will be entering the aristocracy, which will be a change as it is usually the other way round, one for the adults there, as were the references to Fairy Aubergine and her emoji. The children were entertained by plenty of poo jokes and a copious amount of farting. The slapstick was expertly executed, mainly by Billy Nomates, Guy Freeman, and Squire Snuffbox, Dan Carter-Hope. The Giant, Tim Robert, was completely enveloped by his costume but he still gave his character plenty of – well – character. For some reason his wife, played by Stephanie Cremona, had a broad Scots accent, although looking at her brief bio in the digital programme, her previous work has been at Dundee Rep, so that could be a clue.
Squire Snuffbox, Dan Carter-Hope and Billy Nomates, Guy Freeman indulge in a little slapstick
That leaves Maddie Hansen and Max Bower, the Axe Man – guitar type – who were hilarious as Bessie the Cow. By the time the run ends on 12th January, they will probably know each other an awful lot better than they do now. Not only did they walk up and down the stage and produce a series of dairy products from their udder region, but they danced amazingly well. It can’t be easy doing the Moonwalk even when on your own and standing up, but darn near impossible when bent double wearing a cow’s head, or, worse still, with a bum in your face. I bet even Michael Jackson couldn’t have managed that. Although there are some new faces since I last saw this company, they all gelled extremely well, feeding off each other both on and off script.
Audience participation needed no encouragement from either the children, or we who purported to be grown-ups. As soon as We Will Rock You began, it was hands clapping and arms in the air. Not quite Glastonbury but the best we could muster in City Varieties, a place purpose built 159 years ago, especially for shows such as this. When the wedding ended with Rockin’ All Over The World, we were on our feet, rockin’ all over Row H.
If you fancy a panto this Christmas, whether you take kids or not, this is well worth a visit. If you do have young adolescents, it will be a good way to find out just how advanced they are in their development from the jokes they laugh at.
Jack and the Beanstalk, written by Peter Rowe and directed by Rob Salmon, runs at Leeds City Varieties Music Hall until 12th January, 2025. For more details and to book, please go to https://leedsheritagetheatres.com/whats-on/the-rock-n-roll-panto-2024-25/ where you can also have a look at the programme.
For details of other shows at Leeds Heritage Theatres it is https://leedsheritagetheatres.com/whats-on/
Photographs by Ant Robling
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